10 Weeks 3 Days

This week, the babies are about an inch and 1/2 each or about the size of a kumquat.

Their hands and feet are no longer webbed. Bones and cartilage are forming and small indentations on the legs are developing into knees and ankles.  Their arms can flex at the elbow already :). 

Today I woke up with a really bad headache, stuffy nose and upset tummy.  It's hard to tell if its a cold or pregnancy related.  Lately, I haven't been feeling as nauseated but I have been feeling extra tired.  So incredibly thankful to have this week off from work because I've needed a 30-45 min nap every day just to make it until 9-10 pm before crashing.

Nate and I have been slowly working on the house and boxing up stuff we will either sell in a yard sale this spring or donate to Goodwill.  He actually got rid of several more books!

We ordered this monkey jungle themed wall decal for the nursery.

It's fairly gender neutral so I think it will work.  We can always add a bow to one of the monkey's heads if we have a girl.

I've started researching strollers, cribs, etc. Buying a stroller is like buying a car! So many variables and features.  I know I want a jogger, but it has to have enough storage space for the essentials. Baby's R Us and other baby stores don't carry twin things in stock, so I may have to look on Craigslist and go play with a few to see which ones I like. I wish there were such a thing as a baby starter kit ha :) or a twin outlet mall somewhere.

9 Weeks 3 Days

My pants are all too tight. HA. I bought my first pair of maternity jeans.  I ordered them online based on a recommendation from one of the other ladies on the IVF twin mommies Facebook group.  I sure hope they work because yoga pants are not quite work appropriate. :)

This week the babies are about the size of a grape and approximately 1 inch long each.

The external sex organs are there but won't be distinguishable as male or female for another few weeks.  They have tiny earlobes, and their mouths, nose and nostrils are more distinct.  The placentas are developed enough now to take over most the critical jobs of producing hormones. This should hopefully reduce the nausea I've been feeling from time to time.

Some more good news is since we've made it this far with no complications, the risk of miscarriage has dropped to about 2%.

I'm mostly feeling pretty good.  I get tired very easily and have to continue to watch the clock and force myself to eat in regular intervals.

Today is the last day of work then we're off until 1/5.  Lots of work to do around the house to get the back room ready and with both of us off work it's the perfect time to tackle it!

8 Weeks 3 Days - So far so good!

The babies are the size of raspberries. :)

They are growing about a millimeter a day. I can't feel it yet, but they're moving their arms and legs like crazy :) Fingers and toes are still slightly webbed and their tails are all gone.  Yay, no reptiles!

I'm feeling pretty well.  Saturday was a rough "morning" sickness day, but I rested a lot. Sunday I felt good so we got a lot done around the house and I worked on the room that will become the nursery a bit.  We are still deciding what to do about day care vs. in home care and move now or later but we'll probably stay put for a few years and let the equity in our home continue to vest.

Having to consider schools is new to us and of course it drives the home prices way up. We'll figure it out.

I am experiencing some lower abdomen pains but I think things are stretching. I'm going to need to go shopping soon. My pants are too tight! :)

All is well and I got to hear heartbeats!

So relieved. No more spotting and the babies are measuring perfectly on scale for 7/25/15 delivery.  I love my OB! This was my first appointment with her since I changed doctors after not liking the first one before we went to IVF.   She so personable and friendly and I felt like she really knew what she was talking about despite being probably at least 5 years younger than me.  Sigh. :)

She did another ultrasound and I wasn't expecting to be able to HEAR the heartbeats so soon! I feel bad because Nate wasn't there to experience it.  It was amazing.  Two little humans growing inside me.

Only disappointing news is we have to wait to know the sexes of the babies until body parts :) can be seen visually through ultrasound.  The new blood test that can determine gender around 11 weeks only works on singletons.   Oh well.  We can wait and as long as they are healthy, I'm happy.

Heart rates for babies at this stage are normal anywhere from 120-180bpm.


Baby A - Heart rate 164bpm

Baby B HR 153bpm

Next step is a glucose test for gestational diabetes.  Family history influences this somewhat, but mostly its the twins. With double the hormone levels about 40% of women who have twins end up with gestational diabetes.  It can usually be managed by diet but medications are available if necessary.

I have to go in for a bunch of blood work after January 3rd and can do the glucose test then.  The blood work is optional testing for chromosomal disorders, downs syndrome risks etc. It wont be as accurate as amnio but we didn't want to do those, so these tests will at least give us a better idea of the chances they'll have developmental issues so we can prepare.

Then, I go back for another check up in a month!

7weeks 5 days and Spotting...

Just noticed pretty bright red spotting when I went to the restroom. I'm still on the progesterone suppositories 3x a day so I'm hoping that's it, but it scared me.  I have my first OB appointment tomorrow morning, but if this gets worse we may have to brave the storm and go to the ER.

Please babies hang in there.... feeling scared. 

7 Weeks 3 Days

At 7 weeks the babies are about a 1/4 inch in length and about the size of a blueberry.  I'm telling you it feels like there are a whole bunch of blueberries in there!

Arms and legs are starting to form and grow out longer and dividing into hands and feet.  The brain is getting most of the attention though.

I'm feeling mostly ok. Exhaustion is the biggest symptom so far. Some waves of nausea but mostly when I don't eat every 2-3 hours.  By 3 or 4 pm I could nap for a couple hours a day.  I may have to start giving in to that.

http://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/week-by-week/week-7.aspx

TWINS! Pictures and Video

It's ONLY twins! Haha.  So relieved it's not more, but still in shock that it's twins.

Baby A is measuring at 6w6d which is perfect:

Baby B is measuring at 6w4d which is still fine for this stage:

Group photo:

I have a couple of cysts on my ovaries, which explains the soreness on my right side. The nurse assured us they'll go away on their own.

We graduated from the IVF clinic today and I have my first prenatal appointment with my gynecologist next Friday.  I can still hardly believe it.

Video of the ultrasound below if you want to watch :)

6 Weeks, 3 Days...

Yesterday was a good day. No nausea all day and I went into the office and was fine!  Today, another wave of yuckiness this afternoon. I'm trying to find a pattern, but so far there isn't one. I ate enough.  Who knows. So far I haven't actually gotten sick but it would almost be better if it would just happen. Maybe I would feel better? 

Gin Gins are helpful and crackers.  

Friday is almost here! Can't wait to see how many are in there.  Little uterine parasites making me sick!!

Hello exhaustion and nausea

Today I've been so tired I barely left my recliner except to pee. This evening I think I waited too long to eat and felt extremely listless then nauseated. Ugh.  This is not going to be fun.

Ginger ale, ginger chews and ginger candy by my side at all times.

I'm Dumb

I'm going stir crazy waiting for 12/5 to roll around.  I've been feeling so normal lately so I got the idea to take a pregnancy test and see if the line is still really dark. It was WAY lighter...

I panicked for about 30 min before I realized the line on the right is the control line.  Yah, I'm still pregnant and crazy and just caused myself unnecessary stress. What I wouldn't give for a drink! :) 

HAHA  

GRUMPY!!!!!

I'm feeling much more like normal lately. No more pains in the side etc, but my hormones must be out of control because I snap at the littlest things! Poor Nate.. Hahah 

12/5 hurry up!!!

Pulled a muscle?

I was a bit lightheaded this morning and felt a bit nauseated but thought it was just the start of morning sickness maybe.

Then later today I bent down to pick something up and felt a pretty intense cramping in my lower right ovary area. 

It's now a dull ache but of course my mind is reeling and thinking crap what if one of the embryos ended up implanting in my tube and I have an ectopic pregnancy? The HCG numbers are super high so there's something in my uterus for sure, but one could have gone on a walkabout too! It's super rare I know, but I'm still a bit worried.

I'm fairly certain it's a muscle thing because when I stand up and stretch I can feel the pain area stretch too. Sigh.

I emailed dr Harris and I'll go to the ER if it's worse tomorrow or if I start bleeding. 

Blah!

Fun with Names

Passing the time trying to think of names for potential Mosslings.  It's way too easy to think of funny names with the last name Moss.  It presents an interesting challenge. I want something unique but not too out there.  Boy names are not as hard to think of.  We have a few we both like.  Girl names are harder.   I want a strong name for a girl. One that's not too girly but not butch either.  So hard.

Here's a list of silly names that are on the NO list just for fun.  What other goofy names can you think of?

Gluteus Maxim Moss
Pete Moss
Forest Moss
Harry Moss
Minnie Moss
Blossom Moss
Brook Moss
Jade Moss
Leif Moss

We might be having a tribe...

2nd HCG numbers came back at 3561.

It's supposed to roughly double every 24 hours and it did.  HCG levels vary widely so it's hard to use them as a guide to know how many are in there, but high numbers like this can be a sign of multiples according to the nurse.

Reading the charts below, ovulation is egg retrieval for IVF patients. We are 18 days past "ovulation" and well within the twin range.

Beta scores for successful twin pregnancies:

But it could also be triplets.  

Beta scores for successful triplet pregnancies:

Of course I'm googling things I shouldn't and seeing that really high HCG levels can be a sign of what's called a Molar pregnancy  which is not viable.   Sigh.  Don't stress Kerie.

Ultrasound is scheduled for 12/5. We should be able to see the # of sacks and hopefully heartbeat(s).

Still can't believe this is actually happening....

Learning to Speak IVF

Last year I found a fantastic support group on Facebook called IVF buddies.  Women from all around the world who are going through fertility and IVF treatments sharing our stories, providing support, and celebrating each other's successes.   I honestly think it's helped me to stay mostly sane.  At any time of the day or night I could post a question and have an answer or opinion back from someone who's been through what I'm dealing with at that moment.

One of the biggest hurdles is to learn the IVF code. haha.

Take a look:

2WW Two week wait

16dp3dt 16 days past 3 day transfer

ACA Anticardiolipin Antibodies

AF Aunt Flo = period arriving / bleeding starting

AH Assisted Hatching

AHR Assisted Human Reproduction

ANA Antinuclear Antibodies

ART Assisted Reproductive Technologies

BBT Basal Body Temperature

BCP Birth Control Pill

Beta hCG level blood test

BFP/BFN Big Fat Positive/Negative

BMI Body Mass Index

COH Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation

CD Cycle Day

DH/DW/DS/DD Dear Husband/Wife/Son/Daughter

Dx Diagnosis

ED Egg Donor

EDD Estimated Due Date

ER/ET Embryo Retrieval/Transfer

FSH Follical Stimulating Hormone

FET Frozen Embryo Transfer

GIFT Gamete intra-fallopian tube transfer

GS Gestational Surrogate

hCG Human Chorionic Gonadfotropin

HPT Home Pregnancy Test

ICSI Intra-Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection

IP Intended Parent

IUI Intra-Uterine Insemination

IVF In Vitro Fertilization

IVIg Intra-venous immunoglobulin therapy

IVM In Vitro Maturation

LAP Laproscopy

LMP Last Menstrual Period

LH Luteinizing Hormone

LP Luteal Phase

LPD Luteal Phase Defect

MF Male Factor

NK (Cells) Natural Killer Cells

OHSS Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome

OTD Official Test Date

PCO Polycystic Ovarian Disease

PCOS Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

PCP Primary Care Physician

PGD Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis

PID Pelvic Inflammatory Disease

POAS Pee on a stick - home pregnancy test

POF Premature Ovarian Failure

PUPO Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

RE Reproductive Endocrinologist

Rx Prescription

SM Surrogate Mom

TCM Traditional Chinese Medicine

TDI Therapeutic Donor Insemination

TET Tubal Embryo Transfer

TR Tubal Reversal

TS Traditional Surrogate

TSH Thyroid Stimulating Hormone

TTC Trying To Conceive

UR Urologist

ZIFT Zygote intra-fallopian tube transfer

We're PREGNANT!!!!

I'm sitting at my desk at home staring at two baby shower invitations for the same day.  One is for my cousin in Oakdale and the other for a good friend in San Jose.  Sadly, I won't be able to make both but soon I hope there'll be one for me.

The HCG numbers are high. REALLY HIGH.  1800 at 13dp3dt.  Dr says there is a strong possibility of twins.  If all three stuck I'm going to be so huge I'll need a wheelchair for the last 4 months. Haha.  And if one of them split??!!!  Don't panic, don't panic...

For now, I'm so grateful and shocked and happy and terrified.  HA. We still have many milestones to get past before we're out of the woods but it's a fantastic start.

According to this calculator  I'm 4 weeks pregnant. I know that sounds weird, but doctors calculate the # of weeks based on your last menstrual cycle. So even though they've only been inside me a little less than 2 weeks I am already 4 weeks along.

If there is 1 in there, due date will be around July, 26, 2015.  If there are multiples it will be sooner.

Have a glass of champagne or wine for me! It will be a while before I can :)

11dp3dt - line still there!

I'm not sleeping well. Sigh. My stomach is feeling better though so for that I'm grateful. Spent the last two hours cleaning out my closet and dresser to pack away things that don't fit and get rid of things I don't want. 15-20 lbs has significantly reduced the number of cute things in my closet I can wear! It's only the beginning right? 

10dp3dt - Feeling Better

I'm feeling better today. Less bloated so yay!

I've decided to try not to test today.  I have 2 left and will probably do 1 more before the blood test on Monday just to make sure the line is still there.   Anxious to see the HCG number and hope it will be over 100.

Happy it's Friday!

9dp3dt Bloated!

But that line keeps getting darker! Stick baby(s) stick!

My stomach hurts bad though. I emailed the Dr and he says its normal. Yay? What worries me a bit is OHSS but so far I have no problems breathing and no vomiting, etc.  If that happens we'll be going to the hospital for sure.

Better start clearing out that back room to make a nursery...

8dp3dt - Lines getting darker

I'm still in shock and disbelief. I probably will be until we see a heartbeat hopefully in a few weeks. 

4 more days until we get the blood test. Come on embryo(s) keep growing! 

7dp,3dt line is still there

And maybe getting a bit darker? This is a good sign. Fingers crossed this continues 

6dp,3dt and um... THIS JUST HAPPENED

!!!! Last cycle I tested on day 7 and it was negative. The fact that it's coming back positive so early is a good sign I think. Trying not to get too excited until we know the HCG number because it could still end in a chemical or other not good thing, but YAY for now. 

I'm a weakling and will probably do this every day until 11/17 when we do the blood test.  The other tests I have are the double line kind. Hopefully we'll be able to see the line getting darker and darker.

Deep breaths.  Are we ready for this? ACK!


Decided to do a double line one just to make sure. It's super faint, but it's there...

Putting the ring next to it helps the camera focus. 

4dp3dt - SO TIRED and Stabbing Pains

I cannot seem to get enough sleep, but when I try I don't stay asleep :(.  Frustrating. I'm sure its the hormones they have me on.

Yesterday, I felt some pretty intense stabbing pains in my lower abdomen.  Either I ate something bad or it was implantation? haha.

9 more days until we test!

3 Days Past, 3 Day Transfer (3dp3dt)

So far so good.  The swelling from the stim drugs and surgery seems be going down and I feel like something else is going on down there. It's still really early but I had some stabbing pains yesterday.  Maybe early implantation from the embryo that was growing super fast?  Who knows.

This waiting game sucks!   The progesterone and estrogen supplements I'm on can mimmic pregnancy symptoms, so trying not to read too much into every twinge or wave of nausea.

Timeline

Here's what's happening day by day:



11/5 - 1 day post transfer - embryo is growing and developing
11/6/ - 2  days post transfer - Embryo is now a blastocyst
11/7 - 3 days post transfer - Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
11/8 - 4 days post transfer - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
11/9 - 5 days post transfer - Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
11/10 - 6 days post transfer - Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
11/11 - 7 days post transfer - Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells &  fetal cells
11/12 - 8 days post transfer - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
11/13 - 9 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11/14 - 10 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11/15 - 11 days post transfer - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

My blood test is on 11/17.  I'll probably cave and pee on a stick around day 9-10 but won't get too excited until I know the HCG number. Last time I was technically pregnant but the HCG number was only 28 and fell, resulting in a chemical pregnancy which is basically an early miscarriage. 

3 Beautiful Embryos Onboard!

2, grade 1 and 1, grade 2 embryos! I'm so happy for some good news finally. The Dr and embryologist we're excited to tell us that they rarely see grade 1 embryos with so many cells at day 3. 

This is better than last time. Last round we had 1, grade 1 and 2, grade 2s but they were not dividing as fast plus they were frozen.  These are fresh and already at 12cells, 8 cells, and 10 cells and had grown even since this morning. 

  

Still, the chances of this working at all are in the 35-45% range but the embryos are better than last time and even then one of hem implanted but was most likely a bad chromosomal match. 

See the lights in the red circle? Those are the air bubbles from the catheter that deposited the embryos in my uterus. :) 

Dr Harris and Nate did the "Jamaican baby dance" over my uterus Hahha. Hopefully it helped.:) 

Dr Harris said "Now since we both did it, you're going to get twins."  HAHA I hope so :) 

Feeling pretty positive and hopeful. We test on 11/17 but I'll probably pee on a stick around 11/13 or 11/14. 

Thank you all for your support. These next two weeks are going to be tough. 

Transfer Day!

Off to get me preggers. Transfer day! 

Transfer is Tomorrow at 2

I keep staring at my phone willing it to ring. They won't look at the embryos today but I should be getting call with the time for our transfer appointment tomorrow. Staring isn't helping.

...

It finally rang. We're scheduled for a 2 pm transfer tomorrow. Fingers crossed all three embryos are thriving and we'll be able to transfer them all.  We'll know tomorrow.

After 4 cycles, 20lbs, and 40K I'm exhausted. Hope is a dangerous thing. I'm tired of living on the edge of maybe.  One last shot.

Only 3 Fertilized

Out of 8 mature embryos.  What the heck!?  That means this is our last shot.  None left over to freeze because the Dr. will want to put all three back in to give us the best chance.  Providing they all make it to day 3 (Tuesday) for transfer.

I know, I know, stay positive. There's still a chance.  It's so freaking hard!

Feeling angry and sad and defeated.

8 Mature Eggs

Just out of retrieval. 8 mature eggs retrieved. We'll know how many fertilized tomorrow. 

That's 2 more than last time. A little less than what is was hoping but not bad. 

Yay!

Houston We're a Go for Saturday

Cautiously optimistic and emotional. We are triggering tonight at midnight for Saturday noon retrieval.  We have 11 follicles ranging from 12-21mm and my lining has never been this good this early at 6mm.  Please, please, please let this work.

Trigger shot tonight at midnight.  No food or drink for me after midnight Friday.

Here's hoping I'll need to order this:

Doxycycline Woes

Last night I went to brush my teeth before bed and noticed my two front teeth have grayish brown stains on them.  Sigh.  Of course I Googled it and Doxycycline comes up as the culprit.   I have my regular cleaning scheduled for December so hopefully they can scrub them off. Until then, I look lovely.

:(

Stim Day 10, Ultrasound Update, and Retrieval Scheduled

8-9 follicles are still there and growing.  They range from 13-20mm in size. Dr is having me do the trigger shot (HCG) Thursday night so the eggs are primed for retrieval on Saturday, 11/1. The lining is looking better than it has before at this stage. We're up to 5.5 mm or so.

2 more days of shots. I can do this.

Here's hoping we get all 8-9 out and most of them are mature.

Stim Day 8 and Ultrasound Update

Just back from my ultrasound appointment. Same 8-9 follicles there and getting bigger. Ranging from 7 - 12mm.  Dr thinks I'll be ready for retrieval Friday (10/31) or Saturday (11/1).  He upped the meds again just a bit but not much.

I'm nervous because last time we had 11-12 and he only got 6 out that were mature. He said he feels fairly confident these 8-9 are going to be mature in time.  The only way to tell is by the size of the follicle.

We start Ganirelix tonight to keep me from ovulating.  I have to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick up 3 more boxes of Follistim and one more of Menopur to last through Thursday.

My lining is still thin (4.5mm) which was disappointing. I was hoping the endometrium scratch had helped and that the lining would beef up. It still has a 5-6 days to grow but I doubt it will be at optimum (7-8mm) by the time we transfer. We're moving forward regardless.

We'll go with what we have and hope for the best.  Trying not to stress too much.

Stim Day 5 and Ultrasound Results

Just got back from my check up and ultrasound appointment. We have 8-9 follicles growing.  They're still small but Dr Harris is hoping they'll behave and mature.  He upped my meds a bit, but not much. Hoping we have a few to freeze just in case the fresh cycle doesn't work.

I go back on Sunday for another scan and more blood work.  I should start to feel more bloated from here on out as the follicles grow. Definitely no exercise.

Stim Day 3

My head / neck is slowly getting better but now the dizziness from the drugs is kicking in. Man I'm tired too.  I did my own Menopur shot last night for the first time.  No biggie.

Struggling to stay focussed on work during the day.  I think a nap might be in order.

Stim day 1 & 2

Prepared my pills for the week.

ONE WEEK. Crazy huh?  What is all this stuff?  

Prenatal, fish oil, antioxidants, royal jelly, L-argenine, ubiquinol (Coq10), maca, baby aspirin (81mg), Viagra (vaginally yay..) and doxycycline (orally). Got to make sure not to get those last two mixed up! Hehe. 

All these pills in addition to the injections

AM shot is 250mg of Folistim

PM shot is 150units of Menopur.  The Menopur comes in a powder form and has to be mixed with really large needle, but thankfully I don't get stabbed with that one. 

Here's Nate preparing my shot last night.

So far I feel ok.  My head and neck are still killing me, but that's not related to these drugs...yet.  I think falling over on my bike Wednesday night jarred something in my neck. Of course I can't take ibuprofen and Tylenol doesn't really do much for inflammation.  I've been icing my neck and the base of my head and that seems to help.  Hopefully it will get better just in time for the drug headaches to start. 

Come on follicles grow! :)

Fresh Cycle #2 Calendar

This is what my next two weeks look like.  It could actually be longer depending on how my body responds.  Last cycle we had to do the stimulation drugs for 14 days I think. 

Yep, that's viagra you see on the calendar. Fun times. 

Round 2 - Here We Go Again

Picked up the drugs for starting on Sunday. Let's make a baby! HA.

AMH levels dropped significantly

Dr Harris emailed me last night with some test results.  Unfortunately my AMH has dropped from 1.95 last year to .4.  That's significant.

AMH is one of the tests used to determine ovarian reserve.  AMH indicates quantity, FSH indicates quality.   My FSH is still within normal range, but now my AMH is way too low.

However, I've done some reading and it looks like being on the birth control pill could significantly impact the AMH number. My ovaries are suppressed right now so naturally the number will be lower.  It's still concerning and of course I'm obsessing.

It is so hard not to feel overwhelmed with disappointment and feel defeated at every obstacle.

At least it puts me at a very low risk for OHSS. Sigh.

Baseline Ultrasound - Here we go again

Hysteroscopy a few weeks ago found nothing wrong with my uterus, again.  Glad for that but still frustrating not to know why my lining wouldn't grow.

Today, there was a big of good news. I went in for my baseline ultrasound before we start stimulation injections again on 10/19 and no cysts (yay) and my lining looks better than it has before at this stage!   Maybe the endometrial scratch he did during the hysteroscopy helped!  Maybe its all of these crazy supplements I'm taking. Either way, I'm cautiously optimistic.   Let's get this show on the road!

Back from Hysteroscopy # 2

Back from hysteroscopy # 2. My uterus looks normal except for some "fluffy not quite scar tissue" around my fallopian tubes. He did a biopsy to test it for chronic inflammation. Dr wants to keep me on antibiotics longer this time around to help with that in hopes that it will make my lining grow more. Home resting and bleeding quite heavily. Fingers crossed this helped. Sure wasn't a pleasant experience.

Going in for Hysteroscopy Tomorrow and I have a Cold :(

We come back from vacation and Nate gets sick. Then, I get sick. YAY :(

We're still on for the hysteroscopy tomorrow morning though.   Not looking forward to the misopropostol and doxycycline again.

This article made me laugh though :)

http://mamadeux.wordpress.com/2013/06/21/top-10-crappy-things-they-dont-tell-you-about-ivf/

Feeling Down

Finally talked to Dr. Harris Friday night.  He really wants to do the hysteroscopy and endometrial scraping/scratch.   He doesn't suspect to find anything to biopsy, but he wants to make sure.  Plus some studies have shown the scratch can help encourage the lining to grow back stronger. So, no major cutting unless they find something strange in there.   I think the possible benefits outweigh the risks so we'll do it.  Waiting to hear from the scheduler.

We leave for Maine on Saturday. I can't wait. I've been fighting feeling really down lately. Bored with this waiting game.

It's so hard not to feel jealous, sad, and angry when others are successful at something we've been trying so hard at.  It's hard not to feel like it's a competition I'm failing at. I'm not used to failing.

Hysteroscopy # 2

Dr Harris called and left me a voice mail while I was at my piano lesson tonight. He has changed his mind and wants to do another hysteroscopy to see if he can determine why my uterine lining refuses to grow and possibly do an endometrial scraping to encourage my body to counteract and grow more lining.

It worries me because every time you start cutting away at something you risk damaging beyond repair and I need my uterus to be healthy. I'm not sure the risk is worth it since last time he went in there and took some samples they didn't find anything wrong.

Sigh. Another thing for me to worry about.

Nothing Much

Haven't posted in a long time. Nothing much to say while we wait for the time to go by.  We're keeping busy and I've been taking all my fertility supplements. It's like a second breakfast of pills every morning. Yay :(.

I had hoped beyond hope that maybe we had conceived naturally this past month but no.

I've been going back to FNS working out hard now for 6 weeks.  I've only lost 2lbs. I'm watching what I eat and cut way back on the booze and all I get is 2lbs.  I'm certain my hormones are still out of whack.

We're on the schedule for October for another fresh cycle, so to regulate my hormone levels I start birth control pills again tomorrow night.  I'm kind of glad because it will take away the what ifs and hopefully help my body find some normalcy again, even though I know it will be temporary.

We are heading to Maine in a little over 3 weeks for a vacation. I'm looking forward to it.  After that it looks like I'll be heading to Denver for a few days in the beginning of October for a work conference.

Oh plus I'm taking Tracy over Labor Day weekend to the spa and wine tasting :)  See.. keeping busy!

Buying a Miracle

Just moved another 12K from savings to checking to pay for October's fresh cycle. I feel like I'm a high roller placing a bet on a lucky number. I hope 4 is our lucky number.  This will be our 4th try if you count the 1 fresh that was canceled and 2 frozen.

Yesterday was really frustrating. Kaiser cant communicate internally and even though I called last month they still didnt have me on the list for October.  It seems to be squared away now but so incredibly frustrating to have to project manage my own IVF!

In addition to that frustration, I still haven't had a period since after the chemical pregnancy. I had a cycle when that ended but now its been 38 days and no period.  I went in for blood tests this morning, but I know I'm not pregnant since I've taken two tests recently. All of these hormones have really messed with my system.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back to FNS. I miss the people and the workouts but I don't want anything overly intense.  Sigh.


Update - Test results confirm I'm not pregnant but the estrogen and progesterone levels are still slightly elevated from the last cycle. Dr thinks I'll get my period in 7-10 days and if not, to call him and he'll investigate further.   So tired of my system being all messed up.

The Infertility Game

Funny, sad, and true...

Feeling crampy today and its cycle day 29 so expecting my period any minute. We actually timed things this month just to see what if, but I'm 99.9% sure it didn't work.

Looking forward to a weekend of wine tasting and being off my diet in Healdsburg.

Sigh

You know when you want something really bad and all you see is everyone else around you getting what you want so bad? Yeah, that sucks.

The random woman I met the day I went in for my HCG blood test all smiles because I thought I was pregnant, just sent me a note saying her HCG is 185. She's super pregnant. Yay for her on her first try.  I am happy for her. She deserves to be happy. But, why not me too? Why does this have to be so hard?

Day two of this cleanse diet I'm on and the first day I've cut caffeine completely out. No Irish breakfast tea this morning.  I may cave on the alcohol thing tonight. 

Having a BAD Day

Despite having something very exciting to celebrate for Nate - not fertility related, which we will announce soon... I am having a VERY BAD DAY!

Nothing seems to be going right for me!  I'm quite honestly bored at work.  I'm grateful for the beautiful office I have but I go there and sit alone in the office, no one notices me come and go, no one needs me to be there so why go...?  My boss is working on the boredom issue and it should be resolved soon but in the mean time I order and pay for a beautiful display monitor for home, because Nate & I wanted one and because I could then use it for working from home.   Only to find out my work computer is so old it doesn't have the right display connector!! There is no adapter to make it compatible.

I ask about the possibilities of getting an upgraded laptop and am told that finance has been scrutinizing the orders unless there is evidence the machine is broken. This thing is over 3 years old... super slow ugh!! River may have to accidentally pee on it or something.

OH and then Nate shows me how to do screen sharing using my personal computer... only its buggy and stops working as soon as he leaves.  Of course.

OH and Office Depot didn't have any foot rests that weren't' designed for tall people who just wanted something friggen cushy to put their feet on. Nothing for short girls who actually need something to put their feet on because you cant touch the floor!

I've been clenching my jaw at night and waking up with  horrible headaches and memories of really bad dreams including close friends dying and zombies chasing me.

The no coffee thing has been interesting. Maybe withdrawals are making me crazy?

Its almost 4 pm on a Friday.  I might just open a bottle of wine already and get this weekend started.

Day 3 of Fertility Cleanse, TMI and Goodbye Coffee and Booze... well mostly

Something's working because something is moving! I'm pooping all day long! hahaha. TMI sorry.  I usually have slight pain on my right lower side which I think is when my intestines get backed up.  My belly feels really good now.

I've been doing a lot of reading about diet and supplements the can directly impact egg quality and fertility in general.  I've decided to cut out coffee, even decaf. ACK. Can't believe I actually typed that, but there it is.  I have been drinking 1/2 caff for several years now so the transition to very little caffeine shouldn't be a problem.  The tea the cleanse comes with has white tea but the caffeine amounts are minimal and I don't drink soda.

The amount of caffeine in 2 cups of coffee has been proven to increase estrogen levels in women by 70% during the follicular phase of egg development.   This hormonal imbalance could increase the chances of birth defects and lower fertilization rates.  So, it worth giving it up for now.

I'm looking at coffee alternatives. I ordered some Caffix and Dandy Blend form Amazon. We'll see if they are tolerable substitutes.

Alcohol is the tougher one.  That makes me sound like an addict but I assure you I'm not.  I abstained during the two week wait and had cut way back prior, but having a drink or two on the weekends is something I really look forward to.  But, similar studies have shown even moderate consumption (<5 drinks per week), can lessen egg quality and fertilization rates.  Same is true for sperm quality.   So, I'm going to try to cut it back.   We'll see how I do on that one.

A Mother in Waiting

Today I broke. Not sure why today vs other days but I just broke and sobbed my eyes out.

This journey is so hard. I feel like I'm just filling up my life with random meaningless things just to keep busy. Filling time to be filling time. Waiting for another chance at a miracle. 

Double ginger manhattan and piano time helped 

Fertility Cleanse Day 1

All the herbal fertility products arived yesterday. I started taking them today. I don't expect to feel different right away but the tea has a little caffeine in it. Gives me a boost, so that's good, but I will have to be careful to not drink it after 3 pm.

Hopefully all of this will help!

IVF is like running a marathon...

...and someone keeps moving the mile markers back. One of the ladies on the IVF Facebook posted that. Its so true and such a perfect description of this process.  I'm emotionally exhausted and have no idea how much farther I have to go.

I'm still waiting for the fertility cleanse products to arrive. They are supposed to arrive tomorrow via FedEx. I think once I have those and can start taking active steps to make progress I'll feel better.

I have also decided to try taking some piano lessons again. I found a teacher on Yelp who is local to Sunnyvale.  I have a trial lesson tomorrow night at 7.

I heard back from the nutritionist a co-worker referred me to.  We are still working on a time to talk to discuss options and see if she can help me but I'm hopeful.

I'm still wavering on whether or not I should go back to FNS.  I've read so many conflicting things about types of exercise and fertility. Of course I want to drop 10-15lbs but some believe high intensity workouts can be detrimental to egg quality.   Hopefully the nutritionist will have suggestions for me. In the mean time, I'm going to start using my treadmill again.  Hopefully that will help a little bit.

Frustrated!

Sitting in the lab waiting to feed the vampires to make sure my HCG is down to zero and they don't have the order for the lab work! The clinic forgot to put in the order and they can't do it without it. I already know I'm not pregnant as I've had a period but I have to give them the blood work to be sure. This is so frustrating. I just want to go home and cry.

Yep

I thought these were funny and so true. 

Feeling a bit stagnant but not ready to really move on yet.   I need to get back into an exercise routine but I'm just not ready to decide what that should look like yet.  I'm giving myself the rest of this week to wallow and then next week I have to start doing something to get some of this weight off and to make me feel better.  

Bumped to October

The Dr replied that September is full so we're shooting for October. It seems so far away, but it will give me time to do this fertility cleanse I found online.  Who knows if it will work but I think its worth a shot.

Thank you all for your support and kind words lately.  I have a fantastic group of friends and of course husband and mother who have been there to listen to me whine and cry about how hard this is.  Maybe we will be able to go somewhere in September after all. It won't be Europe, but maybe Maine?  We'll see. 

Decision. Yah I know that was fast

We're going to try a fresh cycle in September. Staying with the same dr and going to give him one more shot. In the mean time I'm going to do a "fertility cleanse" and try taking a bunch of other supplements to help egg quality. Who knows if it will work but I figure it can't hurt. I'm also going to work on getting my BMI back down a bit. This whole process has lead me to gain 15lbs. So, at least we have a plan. If it works, I'll be 40 by the time I finally become a mom but that will just have to be...

This will be our 4th cycle if you count the one fresh and two frozen cycles.  After that, we'll seriously look into adoption if needed. 

I feel much better having a plan. 

Which way do we go?

I know other women have had much worse experiences than I, but this is hard to bounce back from. I'm falling off a cliff hormonally from stopping all the meds and there's still some residual HCG in my system making me feel pregnant. I can't seem to make a decision about anything and that's not me at all. I usually have a plan for everything and every contingency. I'm stuck in an emotional whirlwind and can't find my direction. 

Thinking about the possibility of taking a couple weeks FMLA leave if I can get it.  But, not sure if taking time off work to wallow would be a good or bad thing. Maybe it would be better to have something to focus on.

Still weighing the pros and cons of moving forward with another cycle in August vs waiting until October.  Looks like we won't be able to go to Italy or Ireland / Scotland in September anyway. Neither of us have enough vacation time and I don't want to travel that far for 5-6 days there. 

If we postpone until October I am considering doing a fertility herbal cleanse and trying to get my weight back down 10-15lbs. Been doing a lot of reading about egg quality and ways to improve it and everything takes at least 90 days to be effective. Then again, maybe it's all bull crap and nothing I do really will make a difference and we should go ahead sooner.

Wallowing and thinking about next steps.

On to my 2nd glass of wine. Just got off the phone with the Dr. Trying to decide whether or not to do another cycle right away, stay with him or try another clinic. We won't make any big decisions today, and obviously not while I'm drinking, but I know we will try at least 1 more time. This was the first time we got to transfer stage due to my lining issues.

He said he was happy to know that the embryo was able to attach despite my thin lining but that most likely it was just a bad chromosomal match. If we were to try again, he would do a fresh transfer of at least 1 embryo at day 3 and hopefully let others continue to develop to day 5 before freezing them for future use. Doing a freeze all at day one does cause some minor damage to the embryos, which is what we did last time.

I don't know.. what would you do?

1) Stay with him - I do trust him and like his bedside manner and responsiveness plus he has our history so has a plan on what to do differently next time BUT( and this is a big but) we have to pay out of pocket another 17K.

2) Wait until open enrollment time and switch insurance coverages. Find a clinic that takes United Heathcare and utilize the 15K coverage but start fresh with a new dr who doesn't have all this history.

3) Take a break and go on a vacation to Italy or back to Ireland.

Its over

HCG is down to 11.  Losing it.  There goes my heart along with the 20 thousand dollars.

Waiting waiting waiting.. and emotions on high

I suck at waiting. I've been super emotional the last couple of days.  I'm trying to keep it together and apologize if my rant yesterday was hurtful.  I really do appreciate all the support and I know its hard to know what to say. I had my blood drawn this morning so hopefully we'll get good news today.

Back to Schrödinger's Uterus....

I'm having such a hard time remaining positive. I'm trying!!!! Really. Please don't bark at me to tell me to remain positive and that everything will be ok. I'm trying and everyone deals with things differently.  This is how I deal and I'm doing my best.  Thank you for all the support and love, but please understand that by telling me to not worry you're minimizing this.  Of course I'm going to friggen worry.

I'm at an offsite meeting all day today for work.  All I'm going to be thinking about is whether or not our little one(s) are digging in for the long haul or if my HCG #'s are falling.  There is a work party tomorrow at a winery.  Hope I can know by then so if its over, I can at least get smashed. HA.

The worst part is the uncertainty.

Technically Pregnant, but BETA numbers are very low

So, I caved yesterday and peed on a stick or 3.

First this happened.

The line is faint but its there. 

So I ran to the store and got a better test and this happened:

I was very excited to say the least. :) 

But, then this morning I got a call from the nurse with the results of the blood test.  Unfortunately, the numbers are very low.   They test HCG numbers to determine how strong the pregnancy hormone is in my system.  It was only 28. They want to see it at 50 at least or even 100 preferred.  So, technically yes I'm pregnant but it could mean I am having a chemical pregnancy and will soon miscarry, or it could mean they are late implanters and everything will be fine. 

I go back on Thursday to test again and hopefully the numbers have doubled or tripled. 

This roller coaster is horrible. :( 

10dp3dt - ONE DAY MORE

10 days past 3 day transfer.  Today is going to go by so incredibly slowly.  The spotting seems to have stopped. It came only a couple times and was very light. Both times it was about an hour after I had put in a progesterone suppository. So, I'm hopeful that its just irritation from that.

I'm feeling really tired and nauseated this morning. Had to leave the house for a few hours to get away from those darned pregnancy tests that are in the cupboard.  Can I make it until tomorrow afternoon? AAAAh. I'm going crazy.  haha

9dp3dt and light pink spotting

TMI I know.  But, it scared me and I really really hope its not my period coming.   The progesterone suppositories can cause spotting sometimes from irritation its just not what I wanted to see today.  The other possibility is that it could be late implantation and the little guy(s)/gal(s) are snuggling down into my uterus. Gross but kinda lovely thought.

I am feeling pretty nauseated this afternoon, but again that can come from the progesterone.

Can I make it through tomorrow without POAS again?  I'm going to try!

Schrödinger's Uterus

8dp3dt and I still have Schrödinger's uterus. Sigh. Nate convinced me not to buy a test today while we are in Carmel. So tempted!!

I'm not feeling as positive that this worked. Not because of the test yesterday but because my symptoms have decreased. I felt great today. Hardly any cramps, no sore boobs, no headache or nausea. While I'm greatful to feel well, I am worried for the outcome. 

Sigh. Two more days until we test. I can make it. 

Whatever will be will be. 

River had fun today playing in the ocean and meeting lots of other dogs.

7dp3dt - Caved and POAS

7 days past 3 day transfer. I caved and peed on a stick. HA.  It was negative but that's ok. Its still way too early and they were internet cheapies I have had in the cupboard for months.  HCG shouldn't even be in my system until tomorrow and even then it may be too faint to be detected by these OTC tests.  I just couldn't resist!!

I'm going to try to resist doing it again until after we get the blood test results on Tuesday.

I'm feeling less crampy, but they're still there.  Hoping there's some baby making going on in there still.

We're heading off to Carmel this afternoon to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary.  I need the distraction!

6dp3dt

6th day past 3day transfer.  According to the chart today is when the embryo(s) will continue to imbed in my lining.  I had some pretty sharp pains yesterday afternoon and evening on my right side, but no spotting.  Who know if it what implantation or gas ha.  I'm hoping it was implantation.  I've not seen any spotting yet but that's not a required symptom for implantation.  Some women get it, some don't.

I am physically feeling better but still really tired. Maybe my body is getting used to the higher levels of progesterone.  

By Saturday, if the embryos have stuck, my body should start secreting the pregnancy hormone HCG.   I'm so incredibly tempted to do a urine pregnancy test but Nate has made me promise not to. HAHA. He's right, I know.   The results could be a false positive or a false negative and the blood test is the most accurate way to determine the results.  Its just that all this waiting is so hard!

We are leaving tomorrow afternoon for a weekend getaway in Carmel for our 4th wedding anniversary. We're taking River (our 5 month old puppy) with us. I'm excited to see if she'll run in the ocean. Hopefully the weekend away will distract me.  Too bad I can't drink. :)

I've been enjoying sparkling lemonades and fruit juices with sparkling water in them. Put it in a cocktail glass and its almost like having a drink!