7 Weeks, 1 Day - Feeling overwhelmed

Today was hard. Sometimes I forget about being pregnant but today I couldn't focus on anything but. Being in rehearsal for an intense show helps keeps me busy and distracted, but today it was almost too much.

I woke up feeling barfy, even though I slept pretty well last night. My emotions are all over the place and I've felt pretty down lately. I think part of it is not feeling well and part of it is the uncertainty in what the future holds. Will I carry this child to term? Will it be healthy? Will I have the energy to be up round the clock nursing like I did last time for the first few months? Will I miscarry and lose the baby? Will I be ok with that? Will I feel guilty for being ok with that?

I'm too old for this. I feel too old for this.

This morning the director for the show pulled the 5 Portland Actor's Conservatory students aside to discuss what's coming up. 1984 is an intense book and this new version of the play is even more intense with torture scenes and pretty graphic sex scenes between Winston & Julia. More and more theatre companies are employing intimacy directors to help actors navigate the boundaries. That's all great, but then he mentions that we need to be careful about off handed comments or ill timed giggles that may make the lead actors or even the director second guess themselves. Makes total sense, but I took it very personally assuming the correction was directed at me because of something I found silly the other day. Ok lesson learned. I'll go beat myself up over here in the corner now.

We go back into rehearsal and one of the main actors who is also one of our teachers and someone I highly respect, says quietly to me, "Did you hear what you needed to hear? Do you know what you need to do?" and I lost it. Tears streaming down my face. Contorting my face trying to gain composure.

Thinking to myself, I'm a grown freaking adult. I don't need you to rub in my face what I've done wrong. Yes, I giggled at an inopportune time and probably made Winston second guess his choice, I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'm thinking all this, not saying it because tears are streaming down my face. He responds by giving me and hug (making it worse) and saying "What is wrong? You did nothing. It wasn't you."

He's such a pot stirrer!!! Later, on a break, I find out he overheard something one of the other students said and reported it to the stage manager, who then reported it to the Director. He was just teasing me expecting me to retort with "It wasn't me!" not for me to break into tears.

Anyway, the rest of the day was shot. I felt even sicker, even more tired, even more out of place than ever before. I really thought this was going to be my chance to get in with these people. To hopefully be one of them. Demonstrate I'm a professional and hopefully be one of the actors they would hire to be in these incredible shows. Now I'm pregnant. I don't belong here. I belong at home with a baby on my boob even though I thought I'd already done my time there. It's like a prison sentence. That's a horrible way to look at it, but at times it's what it feels like.

I just got out. I just got free.

On the other hand, another child. Maybe a baby girl? Wouldn't that be wonderful? Or a baby brother for Sebastian. Perfect.

Stupid hormones. Sometimes I really hate being female.

We have another ultrasound on 8/28/19. Will update after.

6 weeks, 1 Day - Feeling pretty good.

I have the day off from rehearsal today.  So far I've worked out, read, napped, and successfully resisted the urge to wander Target for no specific reason. YAY.

I'm feeling really tired in the afternoons after lunch. I actually napped, which tells you something if you know me at all.

Rehearsals are amazing. Its so fantastic to be a part of a professional production that I can even get over the subject matter! HA. This is the newest stage version of 1984. Its bleak yes, but its so interestingly written and I think with the stage design, costumes, lighting, and these tremendous professional actors, it's going to be a jaw dropping show.


I have an appointment on Tuesday but its just an intake meeting with a nurse. Hopefully I'll have another scan in a couple weeks where we can see a heartbeat, etc.

School Rehearsals Start Tomorrow + More Crazy Dreams

Last night I dreamed someone had hired my old personal trainer to kill me. I was living in a barn and I couldn't go outside because she was on the rooftop of the building next door with a sniper rifle. Seriously what the heck?

I've been feeling ok. A few twinges here and there, some uterine pressure and waves of exhaustion and nausea. When I don't feel the cramps or twinges I worry that things have gone wrong.. When I do feel them I worry I'm going to miscarry. I seriously hate this stage of things. The first trimester SUCKS. So little is in my control and I can't even drink! ha.

Rehearsal / School starts tomorrow. That should keep me focussed on something else and busy for the next 4 weeks at least.

Next doctor appointment is on 8/20. I am not sure if they'll do a scan then, but I hope so. We'll be able to hear a heartbeat by then if everything is going well in there.

CRAZY Dreams

Last night I had a dream that someone predicted there would be a massive world wide earthquake and my friend Jennifer and 100 other people decided to get on this contraption made for a whale to wear that would go underwater. Like a boat around a whale and you’d dive way under water and be safe. She ended up dying and I was so sad for her 3 kids.  

Hahah. 

I've been having trouble sleeping and I'm feeling super dizzy and light headed. I am trying to stay active but yesterday on the spin bike I had to slow way down because I was feeling dizzy. Growing a human is hard. 

I have a thing to tell you and it shouldn't take long....

To the tune of Snuggle Puppy


I have a thing to tell you and it shouldn’t take long

The way I feel about this is kind of a song

It starts with an huuuuuuh and it ends with a what?! 

All along the middle makes me go but, but, butt! 

I said oooooh ... I thought we were done! 

With all the poopy diapers and all that “fun!”

We were told this was impossible 

That someone’s shooting blanks

But hey here we go ...

Guess there was somethin left in that tank. 

----

Totally unplanned, unprepared for, and omg what is happening?!

I had been feeling unwell the last week or so then I was a couple days late on my cycle. I thought for sure I was going through menopause. I'm 44!

The timing is kind of crazy. I go back to school / start rehearsals for and equity production of 1984 next week and I'll hopefully be in another equity production in the fall. By the time I graduate, I'll be ready to pop. And then there goes another 2 years (at least) of acting. But, it's all good if this little one is healthy. 

Cautiously excited. We lost Sebastian's twin after this stage so anything can happen. Not making this a secret but not posting on my public Facebook page either. I figure if you've followed our journey a few years ago, you'd be interested to know this new crazy development! 

HUGS!

Confirmed Negative. Now What?

Kaiser test came back with HCG less than .24, which is a negative.  We have been considering options including calling it and letting Sebastian be an only child.

Since we moved out of CA, I have the opportunity to change my coverage to United Healthcare and get 1 more round of IVF paid for. Still, the chances of it working are around 20%.

I'm tired. I'm 41.  I'm ready to move on from this part of my life. We've been struggling with infertility for the last 3+ years.  We have a miracle perfect child.   On the other hand, if I don't give it one last try will I always wonder?  Part of me feels like I owe it to Sebastian to try to give him a sibling.

Other options include looking into adoption or fostering.  If we want a baby the wait could be another 2-4 years.  Fostering an older child could come with some serious challenges we need to be ready to face.

I don't want to go down the path of donor eggs or surrogacy. That much I know.  There have also been some studies trying to determine if long term risks of IVF include increased chances of uterine, ovarian and breast cancers.  So far nothing has been proven, but some doctors feel it can increase risks.

Nate is supportive but leaving the decision on whether or not to try again up to me since it is my body.

Maybe we should be done. Do a show. Travel again. Give Sebastian everything we can for a happy life.

Sigh.  One thing I know for sure is I'm drinking tonight.

10dp 3dt - nope

Still negative. Blood test tomorrow to confirm what I already know.