Having a BAD Day

Despite having something very exciting to celebrate for Nate - not fertility related, which we will announce soon... I am having a VERY BAD DAY!

Nothing seems to be going right for me!  I'm quite honestly bored at work.  I'm grateful for the beautiful office I have but I go there and sit alone in the office, no one notices me come and go, no one needs me to be there so why go...?  My boss is working on the boredom issue and it should be resolved soon but in the mean time I order and pay for a beautiful display monitor for home, because Nate & I wanted one and because I could then use it for working from home.   Only to find out my work computer is so old it doesn't have the right display connector!! There is no adapter to make it compatible.

I ask about the possibilities of getting an upgraded laptop and am told that finance has been scrutinizing the orders unless there is evidence the machine is broken. This thing is over 3 years old... super slow ugh!! River may have to accidentally pee on it or something.

OH and then Nate shows me how to do screen sharing using my personal computer... only its buggy and stops working as soon as he leaves.  Of course.

OH and Office Depot didn't have any foot rests that weren't' designed for tall people who just wanted something friggen cushy to put their feet on. Nothing for short girls who actually need something to put their feet on because you cant touch the floor!

I've been clenching my jaw at night and waking up with  horrible headaches and memories of really bad dreams including close friends dying and zombies chasing me.

The no coffee thing has been interesting. Maybe withdrawals are making me crazy?

Its almost 4 pm on a Friday.  I might just open a bottle of wine already and get this weekend started.

Day 3 of Fertility Cleanse, TMI and Goodbye Coffee and Booze... well mostly

Something's working because something is moving! I'm pooping all day long! hahaha. TMI sorry.  I usually have slight pain on my right lower side which I think is when my intestines get backed up.  My belly feels really good now.

I've been doing a lot of reading about diet and supplements the can directly impact egg quality and fertility in general.  I've decided to cut out coffee, even decaf. ACK. Can't believe I actually typed that, but there it is.  I have been drinking 1/2 caff for several years now so the transition to very little caffeine shouldn't be a problem.  The tea the cleanse comes with has white tea but the caffeine amounts are minimal and I don't drink soda.

The amount of caffeine in 2 cups of coffee has been proven to increase estrogen levels in women by 70% during the follicular phase of egg development.   This hormonal imbalance could increase the chances of birth defects and lower fertilization rates.  So, it worth giving it up for now.

I'm looking at coffee alternatives. I ordered some Caffix and Dandy Blend form Amazon. We'll see if they are tolerable substitutes.

Alcohol is the tougher one.  That makes me sound like an addict but I assure you I'm not.  I abstained during the two week wait and had cut way back prior, but having a drink or two on the weekends is something I really look forward to.  But, similar studies have shown even moderate consumption (<5 drinks per week), can lessen egg quality and fertilization rates.  Same is true for sperm quality.   So, I'm going to try to cut it back.   We'll see how I do on that one.

A Mother in Waiting

Today I broke. Not sure why today vs other days but I just broke and sobbed my eyes out.

This journey is so hard. I feel like I'm just filling up my life with random meaningless things just to keep busy. Filling time to be filling time. Waiting for another chance at a miracle. 

Double ginger manhattan and piano time helped 

Fertility Cleanse Day 1

All the herbal fertility products arived yesterday. I started taking them today. I don't expect to feel different right away but the tea has a little caffeine in it. Gives me a boost, so that's good, but I will have to be careful to not drink it after 3 pm.

Hopefully all of this will help!

IVF is like running a marathon...

...and someone keeps moving the mile markers back. One of the ladies on the IVF Facebook posted that. Its so true and such a perfect description of this process.  I'm emotionally exhausted and have no idea how much farther I have to go.

I'm still waiting for the fertility cleanse products to arrive. They are supposed to arrive tomorrow via FedEx. I think once I have those and can start taking active steps to make progress I'll feel better.

I have also decided to try taking some piano lessons again. I found a teacher on Yelp who is local to Sunnyvale.  I have a trial lesson tomorrow night at 7.

I heard back from the nutritionist a co-worker referred me to.  We are still working on a time to talk to discuss options and see if she can help me but I'm hopeful.

I'm still wavering on whether or not I should go back to FNS.  I've read so many conflicting things about types of exercise and fertility. Of course I want to drop 10-15lbs but some believe high intensity workouts can be detrimental to egg quality.   Hopefully the nutritionist will have suggestions for me. In the mean time, I'm going to start using my treadmill again.  Hopefully that will help a little bit.

Frustrated!

Sitting in the lab waiting to feed the vampires to make sure my HCG is down to zero and they don't have the order for the lab work! The clinic forgot to put in the order and they can't do it without it. I already know I'm not pregnant as I've had a period but I have to give them the blood work to be sure. This is so frustrating. I just want to go home and cry.

Yep

I thought these were funny and so true. 

Feeling a bit stagnant but not ready to really move on yet.   I need to get back into an exercise routine but I'm just not ready to decide what that should look like yet.  I'm giving myself the rest of this week to wallow and then next week I have to start doing something to get some of this weight off and to make me feel better.  

Bumped to October

The Dr replied that September is full so we're shooting for October. It seems so far away, but it will give me time to do this fertility cleanse I found online.  Who knows if it will work but I think its worth a shot.

Thank you all for your support and kind words lately.  I have a fantastic group of friends and of course husband and mother who have been there to listen to me whine and cry about how hard this is.  Maybe we will be able to go somewhere in September after all. It won't be Europe, but maybe Maine?  We'll see. 

Decision. Yah I know that was fast

We're going to try a fresh cycle in September. Staying with the same dr and going to give him one more shot. In the mean time I'm going to do a "fertility cleanse" and try taking a bunch of other supplements to help egg quality. Who knows if it will work but I figure it can't hurt. I'm also going to work on getting my BMI back down a bit. This whole process has lead me to gain 15lbs. So, at least we have a plan. If it works, I'll be 40 by the time I finally become a mom but that will just have to be...

This will be our 4th cycle if you count the one fresh and two frozen cycles.  After that, we'll seriously look into adoption if needed. 

I feel much better having a plan. 

Which way do we go?

I know other women have had much worse experiences than I, but this is hard to bounce back from. I'm falling off a cliff hormonally from stopping all the meds and there's still some residual HCG in my system making me feel pregnant. I can't seem to make a decision about anything and that's not me at all. I usually have a plan for everything and every contingency. I'm stuck in an emotional whirlwind and can't find my direction. 

Thinking about the possibility of taking a couple weeks FMLA leave if I can get it.  But, not sure if taking time off work to wallow would be a good or bad thing. Maybe it would be better to have something to focus on.

Still weighing the pros and cons of moving forward with another cycle in August vs waiting until October.  Looks like we won't be able to go to Italy or Ireland / Scotland in September anyway. Neither of us have enough vacation time and I don't want to travel that far for 5-6 days there. 

If we postpone until October I am considering doing a fertility herbal cleanse and trying to get my weight back down 10-15lbs. Been doing a lot of reading about egg quality and ways to improve it and everything takes at least 90 days to be effective. Then again, maybe it's all bull crap and nothing I do really will make a difference and we should go ahead sooner.

Wallowing and thinking about next steps.

On to my 2nd glass of wine. Just got off the phone with the Dr. Trying to decide whether or not to do another cycle right away, stay with him or try another clinic. We won't make any big decisions today, and obviously not while I'm drinking, but I know we will try at least 1 more time. This was the first time we got to transfer stage due to my lining issues.

He said he was happy to know that the embryo was able to attach despite my thin lining but that most likely it was just a bad chromosomal match. If we were to try again, he would do a fresh transfer of at least 1 embryo at day 3 and hopefully let others continue to develop to day 5 before freezing them for future use. Doing a freeze all at day one does cause some minor damage to the embryos, which is what we did last time.

I don't know.. what would you do?

1) Stay with him - I do trust him and like his bedside manner and responsiveness plus he has our history so has a plan on what to do differently next time BUT( and this is a big but) we have to pay out of pocket another 17K.

2) Wait until open enrollment time and switch insurance coverages. Find a clinic that takes United Heathcare and utilize the 15K coverage but start fresh with a new dr who doesn't have all this history.

3) Take a break and go on a vacation to Italy or back to Ireland.

Its over

HCG is down to 11.  Losing it.  There goes my heart along with the 20 thousand dollars.

Waiting waiting waiting.. and emotions on high

I suck at waiting. I've been super emotional the last couple of days.  I'm trying to keep it together and apologize if my rant yesterday was hurtful.  I really do appreciate all the support and I know its hard to know what to say. I had my blood drawn this morning so hopefully we'll get good news today.

Back to Schrödinger's Uterus....

I'm having such a hard time remaining positive. I'm trying!!!! Really. Please don't bark at me to tell me to remain positive and that everything will be ok. I'm trying and everyone deals with things differently.  This is how I deal and I'm doing my best.  Thank you for all the support and love, but please understand that by telling me to not worry you're minimizing this.  Of course I'm going to friggen worry.

I'm at an offsite meeting all day today for work.  All I'm going to be thinking about is whether or not our little one(s) are digging in for the long haul or if my HCG #'s are falling.  There is a work party tomorrow at a winery.  Hope I can know by then so if its over, I can at least get smashed. HA.

The worst part is the uncertainty.

Technically Pregnant, but BETA numbers are very low

So, I caved yesterday and peed on a stick or 3.

First this happened.

The line is faint but its there. 

So I ran to the store and got a better test and this happened:

I was very excited to say the least. :) 

But, then this morning I got a call from the nurse with the results of the blood test.  Unfortunately, the numbers are very low.   They test HCG numbers to determine how strong the pregnancy hormone is in my system.  It was only 28. They want to see it at 50 at least or even 100 preferred.  So, technically yes I'm pregnant but it could mean I am having a chemical pregnancy and will soon miscarry, or it could mean they are late implanters and everything will be fine. 

I go back on Thursday to test again and hopefully the numbers have doubled or tripled. 

This roller coaster is horrible. :( 

10dp3dt - ONE DAY MORE

10 days past 3 day transfer.  Today is going to go by so incredibly slowly.  The spotting seems to have stopped. It came only a couple times and was very light. Both times it was about an hour after I had put in a progesterone suppository. So, I'm hopeful that its just irritation from that.

I'm feeling really tired and nauseated this morning. Had to leave the house for a few hours to get away from those darned pregnancy tests that are in the cupboard.  Can I make it until tomorrow afternoon? AAAAh. I'm going crazy.  haha

9dp3dt and light pink spotting

TMI I know.  But, it scared me and I really really hope its not my period coming.   The progesterone suppositories can cause spotting sometimes from irritation its just not what I wanted to see today.  The other possibility is that it could be late implantation and the little guy(s)/gal(s) are snuggling down into my uterus. Gross but kinda lovely thought.

I am feeling pretty nauseated this afternoon, but again that can come from the progesterone.

Can I make it through tomorrow without POAS again?  I'm going to try!