Today was hard. Sometimes I forget about being pregnant but today I couldn't focus on anything but. Being in rehearsal for an intense show helps keeps me busy and distracted, but today it was almost too much.
I woke up feeling barfy, even though I slept pretty well last night. My emotions are all over the place and I've felt pretty down lately. I think part of it is not feeling well and part of it is the uncertainty in what the future holds. Will I carry this child to term? Will it be healthy? Will I have the energy to be up round the clock nursing like I did last time for the first few months? Will I miscarry and lose the baby? Will I be ok with that? Will I feel guilty for being ok with that?
I'm too old for this. I feel too old for this.
This morning the director for the show pulled the 5 Portland Actor's Conservatory students aside to discuss what's coming up. 1984 is an intense book and this new version of the play is even more intense with torture scenes and pretty graphic sex scenes between Winston & Julia. More and more theatre companies are employing intimacy directors to help actors navigate the boundaries. That's all great, but then he mentions that we need to be careful about off handed comments or ill timed giggles that may make the lead actors or even the director second guess themselves. Makes total sense, but I took it very personally assuming the correction was directed at me because of something I found silly the other day. Ok lesson learned. I'll go beat myself up over here in the corner now.
We go back into rehearsal and one of the main actors who is also one of our teachers and someone I highly respect, says quietly to me, "Did you hear what you needed to hear? Do you know what you need to do?" and I lost it. Tears streaming down my face. Contorting my face trying to gain composure.
Thinking to myself, I'm a grown freaking adult. I don't need you to rub in my face what I've done wrong. Yes, I giggled at an inopportune time and probably made Winston second guess his choice, I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'm thinking all this, not saying it because tears are streaming down my face. He responds by giving me and hug (making it worse) and saying "What is wrong? You did nothing. It wasn't you."
He's such a pot stirrer!!! Later, on a break, I find out he overheard something one of the other students said and reported it to the stage manager, who then reported it to the Director. He was just teasing me expecting me to retort with "It wasn't me!" not for me to break into tears.
Anyway, the rest of the day was shot. I felt even sicker, even more tired, even more out of place than ever before. I really thought this was going to be my chance to get in with these people. To hopefully be one of them. Demonstrate I'm a professional and hopefully be one of the actors they would hire to be in these incredible shows. Now I'm pregnant. I don't belong here. I belong at home with a baby on my boob even though I thought I'd already done my time there. It's like a prison sentence. That's a horrible way to look at it, but at times it's what it feels like.
I just got out. I just got free.
On the other hand, another child. Maybe a baby girl? Wouldn't that be wonderful? Or a baby brother for Sebastian. Perfect.
Stupid hormones. Sometimes I really hate being female.
We have another ultrasound on 8/28/19. Will update after.
1 comment:
Ugh. Hang in there! First trimester is so scary and hard, so much harder when you're already taking care of a little one and trying to finish school. And all that on top of this being a total shock for you guys and [maybe] changing all of your expectations for the next couple years. I think anyone would be overwhelmed in your shoes. Remember that (if all is well with the baby) you don't have to breastfeed exclusively, or at all. And if you do, the round the clock part only lasts 3 or 4 months. Though it totally feels like an eternity while it's happening. There really should be a way for men to take a turn at this!
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