We have the best of friends and the most supportive family and for that I am eternally grateful. Why have we chosen to share our journey with the world? Because if it helps one other couple get through their journey to parenthood it's worth a little lack of privacy in my mind. Also, I could not imagine suffering in silence when faced with so many setbacks and hurtles. We need your help and love and support.
Yesterday was a marathon day at Kaiser. My brother's surgery went well and he's home recovering. I was there at 8 for the 3 hour gestational diabetes test. Got my blood drawn 4 times but stuck 5 times! Yay for extra pokings and hiding veins.
The first hour I felt really sick to my stomach from the drink and lack of food, but my body fought it back and I felt ok by the 2nd and 3rd hour. Test results are normal so yay for no gestational diabetes.
The afternoon was harder. The sonogram revealed only one remaining baby. There were remnants of a sack on the side and a tiny blip of some tissue but nothing else. The doctor was very surprised since we had just heard two strong heartbeats only 4 weeks ago. He explained that it usually takes 5-6 weeks for the tissue to be reabsorbed into the body if development stops. For there to be almost nothing in the sack is strange, but it does happen.
I was so glad my mom was with me in the room. I held it together while we were in there, trying to focus on the glowing shape of the remaining baby on the screen. He/she was not being cooperative with the nurse trying to get a good measurement of it's spine, but he/she was sure having a great time waving at us and jumping around. :) Finally after about 20 min of trying she was able to get a couple good measurements and we captured some great video.
Trying to focus on the positives:
1) The results for chromosomal disorders based on the scan indicate very low risk of Downs and other abnormalities. The risks are so low they're the level of a 30 year old woman. Dr was very pleased with that.
2) The remaining baby is fully formed (all major limbs, etc) with a strong heartbeat and very active. Chances of miscarriage are extremely low.
3) I don't have gestational diabetes. Probably because there is now only one placenta messing with my body's hormones, but I'm still happy for not having GD.
The loss is tremendous though. I really feel in my heart that we lost our girl. I don't know why, I just feel it. The little uncooperative bean is probably a boy. haha.
Nate and I both are a bundle of confused complicated emotions right now. Still very grateful for what we have growing, but now even more terrified of losing it plus grieving over the loss of our child.
I know people say, "Things happen for a reason" but I believe those reasons are because of biology not some higher power's will. There obviously was something wrong with our little one. It is better for it not to have suffered, but we will always remember what it was like to be expecting two.
Here's the little bean:
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This one you can see it's legs stretched up :)
Video of the sonogram. Sorry for the low quality
6 comments:
I know that you already know all the meaning-to-be-helpful things people will say, so there is no reason for me to state them. I will simply say that I'm thinking of you and very sorry for your loss. I don't know how that feels, and I can't fully imagine.
Congratulations, on the other hand, on your feisty little one!
I'm with you. I don't believe in a God who would make "everything happen for a reason". It's just a shitty situation and I know you have great family and friends supporting you through it. Can I just say that your little bean is so cute, jumping around on the screen! Can't wait to hear if it's a he or a she. (By the way, I reallllly wanted a girl when I was pregnant and I can happily say I'm so happy to have a boy!) :) Sending so much love your way.
Lean on your friends and family all you can, we're all here to commiserate, support, listen, whatever you need. It's definitely a heartbreak to lose the one, and definitely let yourself grieve over the loss. I don't know if you're religious, but you and Nate might want to do something ceremonial/spiritual to help you express your sadness and say a farewell to the one that faded. Then perhaps it will be a little easier to focus on the feisty one determined to stay the course... Keeping all THREE of you in my thoughts and prayers... xoxoxo
Dear Kerie, I can honestly say I know how you feel. When we lost the twins at 23 weeks it was one of the most difficult events in our life. Remember Kerie Jehovah views life not at birth but he sees the embryo, just as you and Nate did. It makes no difference whether your child took a breath of air, in Jehovah's eyes it was life. I know in my heart of hearts that we will have our little girls in the new system and they will be apart of our family. Life is precious regardless of the stage it is in and Jehovah knows your pain as a parent. You had already started a bond with your babies that is a unique experience that a mother has. Take care of your self and your remaining baby, nothing can replace your current loss, but please be assured our thoughts and prayers of comfort are with you and your family. Love you, Your Aunt Carla
I can identify with your grief. I lost two - Our 2nd and 4th babies. But the one that you stirred my heart strings - people got angry at me for grieving when I found out that our last baby was not the girl I was so positive s/he was. I had even gone out and bought pink things . . .clothes, blankets . . .
So different from you because we did have a healthy (though premature) boy . . .but I grieved for the little girl I had been singing too for a few months.
I agree with with Jeanie Smith . . . you can even go so far as to name this little one you lost if that helps in your grieving process.
TAke care of yourself! I know you've been working hard on that . . .but that also includes this time to wrap each other up in arms of love!
Continuing to pray for you all!
Thank you everyone. Aunt Carla, I was trying to remember how far along you were when you lost Morgan and Megan. Why does this have to be such a tricky thing with worry all along the way?
Joanne - I may or may not give her a name at some point. I think I want to find out who is in me first then I'll know who we lost. If that makes sense at all.
We are going away this weekend. I want to find a ruby (July birthstone) gemstone ring or pendant to have and wear to remember her by.
Hugs to you all.
Kerie
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