15 Weeks, 3 Days - Much Whining Below:

January is finally over.  I wish I could believe all the setbacks and sadness were behind us. First, the positive:

Baby is now the size of a large orange at about 4 inches.

I ate one of these with lunch today. It was yummy :) I bought a fetal doppler last week and have found the heartbeat several times. It's reassuring. 

Here's the bad:  I feel like much of this applies to me - http://www.babycenter.com/0_depression-during-pregnancy_9179.bc

January was a particularly stressful month, but if you look back at all we've been through over the last 2 years to get to this point, it's not surprising that I am probably depressed.  Yes, this is supposed to be a happy time but, telling me to "think positive" and "be positive" doesn't help. 

The article above indicates 1 in 10 women will suffer from depression during pregnancy and those who have had losses or gone through fertility treatments are more susceptible. I've never been on anxiety or anti-depression medication, but if I don't snap out of it soon I may have to consider my options. 

Going through 4 rounds of fertility treatments, losing one of the twins, several deaths right in a row last month.. it's just too much.  On top of that, I feel like I have no control over what's happening to my body.  12-13 years ago, I fought to lose almost 60lbs and seeing it slowly creep back on and not having the ability to work out crazy hard to fight it back is making me nuts. Yes, yes, I know it's baby and I'll lose it when I breast feed etc, but that doesn't help the emotions now.  Being short and not stick thin to begin with makes me feel like a butterball turkey!

My afternoon meeting today was cancelled so I decided to go to Macy's to the Motherhood section and see if I could find another pair of jeans that fit. I have one.  I tried on 6 pairs and nothing.  Finally found a pair of black velour / velvet lounge pants and picked up a t-shirt.   I got in my car and called Massage Envy and went and had a massage.  Felt good, but lying on my left side for 30 min was not 100% comfortable.  Came home and ordered two pairs of the jeans I know will fit online.  Sigh.

I really want sushi and a drink. 

14 Weeks, 2 Days and January Sucks

The baby is about the size of a nectarine at about 3 1/2 inches in length.

The baby is on the move constantly, but I don't feel a thing yet.  In fact, I feel normal other than feeling heavy.  Well, as normal as I can be after 4 days at hospice and little sleep. Grandma passed away this morning around 8 am in her sleep. I am glad I got to spend the last few days with her.

This has been a very rough month with more than anyone's fair share of death affecting our friends and family. Suddenly, I'm very afraid for our remaining baby. I know the risks of loss at this point are low, but the waiting between sonograms is torture. So far, no bleeding, cramping or other signs of miscarriage, but 2/10 cannot get here fast enough.

13 Weeks 3 Days

Little baby Moss is the size of a Georgia peach and a little over 3 inches long. Vocal cords are developing this week :) as well as bones in arms and legs.

I'm feeling pretty good. Tired physically and emotionally but we'll get through.  We're both a little gun shy after finding out we lost one of the twins last week.  We received the decals for the nursery and we'll probably go look at paint samples this weekend.  I think we'll hold off buying any of the big ticket items until 16-20 weeks.  

My next sonogram is on 2/10.  We'll be at the end of the 16th week and might be able to determine if it's a boy or girl. 

My 95 year old grandma is back int he hospital. She fell last Wednesday morning. She didn't break any bones but she scraped herself up pretty badly.  Then she needed oxygen, which is a new requirement, so she couldn't go back to the low skilled care facility she was at.  Now it seems she's not eating well.  We'll see. I am really hoping she'll hang on long enough to get a 4 generation photo :) 

And then there was one

Where to begin?

We have the best of friends and the most supportive family and for that I am eternally grateful.  Why have we chosen to share our journey with the world? Because if it helps one other couple get through their journey to parenthood it's worth a little lack of privacy in my mind.  Also, I could not imagine suffering in silence when faced with so many setbacks and hurtles. We need your help and love and support.

Yesterday was a marathon day at Kaiser.  My brother's surgery went well and he's home recovering. I was there at 8 for the 3 hour gestational diabetes test.   Got my blood drawn 4 times but stuck 5 times! Yay for extra pokings and hiding veins.

The first hour I felt really sick to my stomach from the drink and lack of food, but my body fought it back and I felt ok by the 2nd and 3rd hour.  Test results are normal so yay for no gestational diabetes.

The afternoon was harder.  The sonogram revealed only one remaining baby.  There were remnants of a sack on the side and a tiny blip of some tissue but nothing else.  The doctor was very surprised since we had just heard two strong heartbeats only 4 weeks ago. He explained that it usually takes 5-6 weeks for the tissue to be reabsorbed into the body if development stops.  For there to be almost nothing in the sack is strange, but it does happen.

I was so glad my mom was with me in the room. I held it together while we were in there, trying to focus on the glowing shape of the remaining baby on the screen.  He/she was not being cooperative with the nurse trying to get a good measurement of it's spine, but he/she was sure having a great time waving at us and jumping around. :)  Finally after about 20 min of trying she was able to get a couple good measurements and we captured some great video.

Trying to focus on the positives:

1) The results for chromosomal disorders based on the scan indicate very low risk of Downs and other abnormalities.  The risks are so low they're the level of a 30 year old woman. Dr was very pleased with that.
2) The remaining baby is fully formed (all major limbs, etc) with a strong heartbeat and very active. Chances of miscarriage are extremely low.
3) I don't have gestational diabetes. Probably because there is now only one placenta messing with my body's hormones, but I'm still happy for not having GD.

The loss is tremendous though. I really feel in my heart that we lost our girl.  I don't know why, I just feel it.  The little uncooperative bean is probably a boy. haha.

Nate and I both are a bundle of confused complicated emotions right now. Still very grateful for what we have growing, but now even more terrified of losing it plus grieving over the loss of our child.

I know people say, "Things happen for a reason" but I believe those reasons are because of biology not some higher power's will.  There obviously was something wrong with our little one. It is better for it not to have suffered, but we will always remember what it was like to be expecting two.

Here's the little bean:

This one is a good profile of the face and arms:

This one you can see it's legs stretched up :) 

Video of the sonogram. Sorry for the low quality

12 Weeks 2 Days - Failed Gestational Diabetes Test :(

This week the babies are about the size of a plum. 2 - 2 1/2 inches each.

They have more than doubled in size in the last 3 weeks.

This week is a turning point. At 12 weeks, the big task of developing new bodily structures is almost done, as most of the baby's systems are fully formed.  Now comes the maintenance phase, where systems continue to mature for the next 28 weeks to get everything working.

Tomorrow will be a full day of doctors appointments for me and for my brother.

My older brother is having eye surgery first thing in the morning.  He's a type 1 diabetic and scar tissue has built up so he has to have it removed. Quite scary for him, but not unlike the surgery Nate had to have a decade ago or so because of a detached retina.  Parents are on their way here so they can get up at the butt crack of dawn to be at Kaiser with him when he goes in.

Just so happens I have to be at Kaiser by 8 am for the 3 hour gestational diabetes test.  Different building, but same location. The results from the 1 hour test came back with slightly elevated blood sugars so this is the 2nd test to confirm gestational diabetes.

Then in the afternoon I get to have the sonogram that measures the cranial pole and looks for developmental disorders. Since mom will be here anyway, she gets to come with me. :)

Looking forward to seeing the babies but NOT looking forward to being sick to my stomach after that 100g sugary drink!   I have no control over the temperature of the drink. I've been told by so many to put it in the refrigerator and drink it super cold. Yah, that's great for when you're not doing this through Kaiser. Kaiser hands you the drink and then pokes you every hour on the hour to see how you blood sugar is reacting.

Fun times.

I found this funny article and thought I'd share. http://www.scarymommy.com/about-expecting-twins/

Wheeee!!!

11 Weeks, 4 Days

Almost out of the 1st trimester!

This week the babies are 1& 3/4 - 2 inches long each.  About the size of a brussel sprout.  Too bad I can't cover them in hollandaise sauce! :)

Though not detectible on sonogram yet, testes or ovaries are developing this week.   By this week they have distinct human characteristics: hands and feet in front of the body, ears nearly in the final shape, open nasal passages, a tongue and palate in the mouth and visible nipples.  The head is currently equal in length to the rest of the body and hair follicles are forming.  The babies can stretch, do somersaults and forward rolls!  I haven't felt a thing yet, but that's not expected until week 25-26.

Next week is full of doctors appointments and tests.  On Tuesday I go in for the sonogram that measures the cranial pole and looks for developmental disorders.  On Friday Nate and I will both go to my regular OB for a routine checkup and sonogram.

The "morning" sickness seems to have lessened quite a bit. I'm grateful for that. My appetite has returned as well.  I'm still exhausted and have to take a quick power nap on days when I can work from home.

Still investigating lots of things but mostly daycares vs. nanny.  I joined GeminiCrickets.org. It's a local community for multiples.  Hopefully I can get a referral for a good nanny or other suggestions there.  I also joined the parents club at Apple and will be having lunch with another twin mommy tomorrow. She has a stroller I may want to buy.

That's all for now!

10 Weeks 3 Days

This week, the babies are about an inch and 1/2 each or about the size of a kumquat.

Their hands and feet are no longer webbed. Bones and cartilage are forming and small indentations on the legs are developing into knees and ankles.  Their arms can flex at the elbow already :). 

Today I woke up with a really bad headache, stuffy nose and upset tummy.  It's hard to tell if its a cold or pregnancy related.  Lately, I haven't been feeling as nauseated but I have been feeling extra tired.  So incredibly thankful to have this week off from work because I've needed a 30-45 min nap every day just to make it until 9-10 pm before crashing.

Nate and I have been slowly working on the house and boxing up stuff we will either sell in a yard sale this spring or donate to Goodwill.  He actually got rid of several more books!

We ordered this monkey jungle themed wall decal for the nursery.

It's fairly gender neutral so I think it will work.  We can always add a bow to one of the monkey's heads if we have a girl.

I've started researching strollers, cribs, etc. Buying a stroller is like buying a car! So many variables and features.  I know I want a jogger, but it has to have enough storage space for the essentials. Baby's R Us and other baby stores don't carry twin things in stock, so I may have to look on Craigslist and go play with a few to see which ones I like. I wish there were such a thing as a baby starter kit ha :) or a twin outlet mall somewhere.