7 Weeks, 1 Day - Feeling overwhelmed

Today was hard. Sometimes I forget about being pregnant but today I couldn't focus on anything but. Being in rehearsal for an intense show helps keeps me busy and distracted, but today it was almost too much.

I woke up feeling barfy, even though I slept pretty well last night. My emotions are all over the place and I've felt pretty down lately. I think part of it is not feeling well and part of it is the uncertainty in what the future holds. Will I carry this child to term? Will it be healthy? Will I have the energy to be up round the clock nursing like I did last time for the first few months? Will I miscarry and lose the baby? Will I be ok with that? Will I feel guilty for being ok with that?

I'm too old for this. I feel too old for this.

This morning the director for the show pulled the 5 Portland Actor's Conservatory students aside to discuss what's coming up. 1984 is an intense book and this new version of the play is even more intense with torture scenes and pretty graphic sex scenes between Winston & Julia. More and more theatre companies are employing intimacy directors to help actors navigate the boundaries. That's all great, but then he mentions that we need to be careful about off handed comments or ill timed giggles that may make the lead actors or even the director second guess themselves. Makes total sense, but I took it very personally assuming the correction was directed at me because of something I found silly the other day. Ok lesson learned. I'll go beat myself up over here in the corner now.

We go back into rehearsal and one of the main actors who is also one of our teachers and someone I highly respect, says quietly to me, "Did you hear what you needed to hear? Do you know what you need to do?" and I lost it. Tears streaming down my face. Contorting my face trying to gain composure.

Thinking to myself, I'm a grown freaking adult. I don't need you to rub in my face what I've done wrong. Yes, I giggled at an inopportune time and probably made Winston second guess his choice, I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'm thinking all this, not saying it because tears are streaming down my face. He responds by giving me and hug (making it worse) and saying "What is wrong? You did nothing. It wasn't you."

He's such a pot stirrer!!! Later, on a break, I find out he overheard something one of the other students said and reported it to the stage manager, who then reported it to the Director. He was just teasing me expecting me to retort with "It wasn't me!" not for me to break into tears.

Anyway, the rest of the day was shot. I felt even sicker, even more tired, even more out of place than ever before. I really thought this was going to be my chance to get in with these people. To hopefully be one of them. Demonstrate I'm a professional and hopefully be one of the actors they would hire to be in these incredible shows. Now I'm pregnant. I don't belong here. I belong at home with a baby on my boob even though I thought I'd already done my time there. It's like a prison sentence. That's a horrible way to look at it, but at times it's what it feels like.

I just got out. I just got free.

On the other hand, another child. Maybe a baby girl? Wouldn't that be wonderful? Or a baby brother for Sebastian. Perfect.

Stupid hormones. Sometimes I really hate being female.

We have another ultrasound on 8/28/19. Will update after.

6 weeks, 1 Day - Feeling pretty good.

I have the day off from rehearsal today.  So far I've worked out, read, napped, and successfully resisted the urge to wander Target for no specific reason. YAY.

I'm feeling really tired in the afternoons after lunch. I actually napped, which tells you something if you know me at all.

Rehearsals are amazing. Its so fantastic to be a part of a professional production that I can even get over the subject matter! HA. This is the newest stage version of 1984. Its bleak yes, but its so interestingly written and I think with the stage design, costumes, lighting, and these tremendous professional actors, it's going to be a jaw dropping show.


I have an appointment on Tuesday but its just an intake meeting with a nurse. Hopefully I'll have another scan in a couple weeks where we can see a heartbeat, etc.

School Rehearsals Start Tomorrow + More Crazy Dreams

Last night I dreamed someone had hired my old personal trainer to kill me. I was living in a barn and I couldn't go outside because she was on the rooftop of the building next door with a sniper rifle. Seriously what the heck?

I've been feeling ok. A few twinges here and there, some uterine pressure and waves of exhaustion and nausea. When I don't feel the cramps or twinges I worry that things have gone wrong.. When I do feel them I worry I'm going to miscarry. I seriously hate this stage of things. The first trimester SUCKS. So little is in my control and I can't even drink! ha.

Rehearsal / School starts tomorrow. That should keep me focussed on something else and busy for the next 4 weeks at least.

Next doctor appointment is on 8/20. I am not sure if they'll do a scan then, but I hope so. We'll be able to hear a heartbeat by then if everything is going well in there.

CRAZY Dreams

Last night I had a dream that someone predicted there would be a massive world wide earthquake and my friend Jennifer and 100 other people decided to get on this contraption made for a whale to wear that would go underwater. Like a boat around a whale and you’d dive way under water and be safe. She ended up dying and I was so sad for her 3 kids.  

Hahah. 

I've been having trouble sleeping and I'm feeling super dizzy and light headed. I am trying to stay active but yesterday on the spin bike I had to slow way down because I was feeling dizzy. Growing a human is hard. 

I have a thing to tell you and it shouldn't take long....

To the tune of Snuggle Puppy


I have a thing to tell you and it shouldn’t take long

The way I feel about this is kind of a song

It starts with an huuuuuuh and it ends with a what?! 

All along the middle makes me go but, but, butt! 

I said oooooh ... I thought we were done! 

With all the poopy diapers and all that “fun!”

We were told this was impossible 

That someone’s shooting blanks

But hey here we go ...

Guess there was somethin left in that tank. 

----

Totally unplanned, unprepared for, and omg what is happening?!

I had been feeling unwell the last week or so then I was a couple days late on my cycle. I thought for sure I was going through menopause. I'm 44!

The timing is kind of crazy. I go back to school / start rehearsals for and equity production of 1984 next week and I'll hopefully be in another equity production in the fall. By the time I graduate, I'll be ready to pop. And then there goes another 2 years (at least) of acting. But, it's all good if this little one is healthy. 

Cautiously excited. We lost Sebastian's twin after this stage so anything can happen. Not making this a secret but not posting on my public Facebook page either. I figure if you've followed our journey a few years ago, you'd be interested to know this new crazy development! 

HUGS!

Confirmed Negative. Now What?

Kaiser test came back with HCG less than .24, which is a negative.  We have been considering options including calling it and letting Sebastian be an only child.

Since we moved out of CA, I have the opportunity to change my coverage to United Healthcare and get 1 more round of IVF paid for. Still, the chances of it working are around 20%.

I'm tired. I'm 41.  I'm ready to move on from this part of my life. We've been struggling with infertility for the last 3+ years.  We have a miracle perfect child.   On the other hand, if I don't give it one last try will I always wonder?  Part of me feels like I owe it to Sebastian to try to give him a sibling.

Other options include looking into adoption or fostering.  If we want a baby the wait could be another 2-4 years.  Fostering an older child could come with some serious challenges we need to be ready to face.

I don't want to go down the path of donor eggs or surrogacy. That much I know.  There have also been some studies trying to determine if long term risks of IVF include increased chances of uterine, ovarian and breast cancers.  So far nothing has been proven, but some doctors feel it can increase risks.

Nate is supportive but leaving the decision on whether or not to try again up to me since it is my body.

Maybe we should be done. Do a show. Travel again. Give Sebastian everything we can for a happy life.

Sigh.  One thing I know for sure is I'm drinking tonight.

10dp 3dt - nope

Still negative. Blood test tomorrow to confirm what I already know.

9dp 3dt - Still Nothin

Still negative. Blood test is on Wednesday.  Feeling sad.

8dp 3dt still negative

I think it's fair to say this round didn't work.  The blood test is on Wednesday but if anything took it would most likely be showing up by now.

Trying to be grateful for what we have in our miracle baby Sebastian, but it's hard.

Looking forward to "celebrating" with some wine after Wednesday when we know for sure.

6dp 3dt (6 Days Past, 3 Day Transfer)

I know its early, but over the counter test is negative.  This time last cycle with Sebastian I could see a very faint line by this time.  Will try again tomorrow.

6 Good Eggs Retrieved

The dr was able to get out 11 eggs yesterday but only 6 of them are usable.  5 are fully mature and 1 was almost mature as of yesterday. It could fully mature outside my body (crazy huh?) so fingers crossed.

We are waiting on the fertilization report today.

Sebastian's cycle we got 8 out with 7 mature and 1 almost mature. Only 3 fertilized last time, so I'm thinking this time the results will be 2-3 if we are lucky.

Waiting for the phone to ring...

--- UPDATE-----

3 fertilized and all of them are grade A. ACK! Going in on Saturday for transfer. I know he's going to want to put them all back in for the highest chances of success but all three are grade A. That makes me really nervous for twins or even triplets!

Day 13 - Trigger Tonight!

Houston we are good to go!  6-7 good sized eggs growing in there so we are triggering tonight. Lining is 6.6 which is better than it ever has been before.

So, Wednesday 9/28 retrieval and Saturday 10/1 transfer.  Yep, 10/1 is the day the moving truck is coming.  Everything all at once!!!!!

I tried to move the truck up a day to Friday but nope. They are all booked up.  So, Mom & Dave will have to manage. We've started lists of things that can stay behind and come up in another shared truck later.

I'm safe to fly on Sunday 10/2 as planned.

Then we wait 2 weeks and I get to figure out how to do the tests up there instead of having to fly back to CA.

2 more shots. I can do this.

Day 9 of Stimulation

Dr apt this morning is showing 5-6 decent sized eggs growing. That's less than last time. Dr thinks trigger will be Monday 9/26 and retrieval Wed 9/28 so possible transfer of any fertilized eggs on 10/1.

10/1 is when the moving truck is coming! Weee for timing.  Thankfully mom & Dave will be here to direct the movers while Nate and I go get pregnant.

I'm nervous for only 5-6 eggs though. With 8 last time, only 3 fertilized.  We'll be lucky if 1-2 fertilize this time and even luckier if one of those sticks and becomes a baby.

Fingers crossed.

In the mean time, I"m exhausted. Trying to pack a box here and there and do as much as I can. Glad we started early and had so much help on Saturday!

Here we go again

Because we don't have enough going on in our lives with raising a 14 month old and moving to Oregon in 2 weeks, we have started stims for baby #2 this morning.  I did the injection myself while Nate wrangled the kiddo. If everything lines up, we'll transfer any embryos 2-3 days before the moving truck comes on 10/1. 

Weeeee!

38 weeks - Almost There!

Baby is the size of a winter melon. I hadn't really heard of this one but here's what Google says it is!

The Mossling is officially fully cooked and probably weighing in at around 7 lbs.  We have a check up on Monday, which should be our last one before the c-section on 7/21. 

I've been having some period like cramps only in the evenings for the last few days. Nothing I would call a contraction and nothing we're able to time.  Acid reflux continues to be a struggle with his head so close to my stomach, but it will soon be all worth it. 

I put together some progression images for fun.  See how the lump on top starts to really protrude in the last couple? Yup, that's a noggin! 

The swelling in my face, hands and feet seem to have finally gone down.  Now, it's all belly!! Well, and some hips and thighs, but I've had those all along :)

Giving Birth ‘Naturally’ Does Not Make You More Of A Woman

This is a hot button for me.  Nate and I couldn't get pregnant 'naturally' and now we need medical science again in order to deliver our baby safely.  100 years ago not only would I never have gotten pregnant, if by some miracle I did, my child and/or I could have serious complications and possibly not survive delivery.

Because we choose to use medical science to help us does not mean we will be bad parents or that our child will be less amazing or natural.  And, giving birth naturally is not a measure of success for being a woman!   I'm not against natural medicine or herbal remedies, but sometimes they are not the only answer and definitely shouldn't be looked at as superior to other options that result in the same end goal.  The end goal here is to have a happy healthy baby, not to prove anything.

This article says it way better than I can.  I'm so tired of people constantly praising women who are able to give birth 'naturally' and attempting to commiserate with those of us who needed assistance. We don't need your condolences because we need medical assistance.  Your well wishes and support are appreciated, however.

Now for an update:

At 37 weeks the Mossling is the size of a large cantaloupe and weighs about 6.5 pounds.

He's still heads up. I can feel his head pushing into my ribcage when he stretches out.  It hurts.  Sleeping is getting harder. Acid reflux is getting worse. 15 more days. I can do this. 

C-section is scheduled for 7/21. Hope we make it that far without having to rush in for an emergency c-section.   We have a dr appointment on 7/13 for an ultrasound again to make sure he's still in breech position. 

36 Weeks and Breech

So good news is Mossling is doing well. He has a strong heartbeat, good amount of fluid around him, and normal size etc.  Bad news is, he's butt down instead of heads down.  GRRRR!

Sigh. So... we have a choice to make. He's pretty tight in there so chances that he'll turn around on his own are pretty slim. The Dr gave me some exercises and positions I can try to help encourage him but our choices are:

1) Try to turn him next week at 37 weeks by doing a version procedure at the hospital. There are minor risks of the bag of waters breaking or the cord getting stuck around his neck, etc. In which case they'd do an emergency c-section on the spot. Dr says the procedure can be pretty painful for me too. There's no guarantee he wont flip back over either. 

OR

2) We can just schedule the c-section for 39 weeks.

Honestly, I'm somewhat relieved because I'm more scared of the idea of pushing him out my vagina vs. having surgery! haha Maybe I have my priorities or fears mixed up. 

Another thing to consider is if we want to have another child, we'll have to go through IVF again and scar tissue from c-sections can complicate implantation. I emailed both Dr Holland and our IVF Dr. Harris to ask their opinions on that. 

We have some decisions to make. Why can't anything be easy? 

34 Weeks - Getting Closer!

This week the little Mossling is about the size of a honeydew weighing in at about 5lbs and could be as long as 20 inches. 

We had our checkup this morning.  My blood pressure is good, 116/62, I've only gained 1 lb in the last 2 weeks, baby is measuring on track, and his heartbeat is strong and steady.  

We go back for the 36 week appointment on the 29th of June and get to finally see him again via ultrasound. Mom & Dad will be here by then so Mom & Nate get to see him too :) 

His movements have stopped being so jerky and now are more of rolls and stretches since he's running out of room in there. 

Nate installed the car seat base and car seat yesterday.  We organized most of the onesies and other clothes by size.  I think we're almost ready! 

This is getting real!!!! AAAAH!

32 Weeks 5 days - Hiccups, Backaches and Braxton Hicks

I'm almost 33 weeks. Baby is the size of a head of lettuce and 17-19 inches long.

He's reached is full length most likely, but still at only 4-4 1/2 lbs he could double in weight. I'd be ok with a less than 8lb baby please!

The hiccups started a few weeks ago.  Mostly at night and for the past 3 days at 5-5:30 am.  It feels like little rhythmic thumps and wakes me up! Its supposed to be a good sign that his lungs are developing.

My back is starting to ache if I stay in one position for too long.  I anticipate it will get worse as my belly continues to stick out farther and farther.

I've had a few Braxton Hicks feelings. Nothing painful just tightening of the belly that slowly creeps up and then slowly fades. Dr. said not to worry about them unless they come on quickly and I have more than 1 an hour or so or if they last longer than 60 seconds.

3 more weeks of work! I can't wait to be done. Its hard to concentrate!

28 Weeks, Third Trimester, and Gestational Diabetes

At 28 weeks the baby is about the size of an eggplant, measuring about 16 inches long and weighing 2.5lbs. Chances of survival outside the womb at this point are up to 90%.

This week begins the third trimester.  Baby has started having REM cycles so could be dreaming :).  He's opening and closing his eyes now and could be starting to have some hiccups, although I haven't felt that yet. 

The acid reflux (GERD) has been mostly under control for the past couple of weeks.  Zantac and smaller meals seems to really help. Not coughing up a lung from being sick is helpful too. 

I had to go do the 3 hour glucose test again though and this time I failed, meaning I have Gestational Diabetes.  The numbers were really very close so it's marginal, but I'm not terribly surprised. I'm still really frustrated with how they test for it.  Diabetes runs in my family and I already eat healthy and get exercise almost daily.  I don't drink sugary drinks or eat desserts all the time, but hey let's have you fast for 10 hours then drink 100g of sugar and see how you feel, ok? 

Sigh.  So, now I get to meet with a nutritionist and test my blood 3x a day.  But, you know what? After all the needles I've stabbed myself with, these will be nothing.  I seriously doubt I'll have to change my diet much if any at all.